A Mom Can Be Many Different Things

The mother/daughter relationship can take on many different forms.  For some of you, I am sure you consider your mom to be your best friend and you can't imagine going a day without sharing an extended phone conversation.  For others, thoughts about your mom and things she might have said or done to you as a child still have a negative impact on you as a grown woman.  Maybe you respect and admire your mom for the important life lessons she taught you, but you never felt a strong emotional connection to her.  No matter what your specific situation may be, there is no doubt that mothers have a huge effect on who we become as adults.  If the impact is not a good one, we may need to fight for years to break the negative cycle.

I spent some time thinking about the common stereotypes of moms that you see portrayed in the media, in books, and on the movie screen.  Here are a few I came up with:

1. Confidante -- This mom is more important than any other friend in your life.  It is her opinion that you seek first when it comes to relationships, careers, even what to buy for dinner.  There are no secrets between this mother and daughter.

2. Disciplinarian -- You know not to cross this mom!  She runs her home with a strict hand.  You know the rules (and there are many!) and you know the consequences if you break them.  This mom may seem harsh at the time, but her efforts led you to do well in school and stay out of trouble.

3. Barely-There Parent -- Did you feel like you had to raise yourself because your mom was never around?  Maybe she was always out with friends instead of spending time with you?  Or, maybe she was home but just couldn't make herself emotionally available for one reason or another. 

4. Nurturer -- This mom makes sure that you always get enough to eat and that your clothes are always clean and folded.  She seems to be a superwoman around the house, with every room clean and organized.  She would make homemade chicken soup when you got sick and stay up until 1:00am helping you finish a school art project.

In my book Kendra's Pearl, the title character deals with another type of mom--an emotionally abusive one.  Unfortunately, I'm sure there are some of you reading this blog who have this in common with Kendra.  I hope you will read my book and discover if Kendra manages to rise above her difficult childhood.  And, no matter what type of mom you had in your life, I would love to hear your stories of survival and love as well.

Mothers Who Bring the Ultimate Harm to Their Children

There is a wide range of emotions that a new mom can experience when she first holds her baby and brings her home.  Ideally, the brand-new boy or girl is loved and wanted and has parents who are emotionally and financially prepared to raise a child.  If a mom is without work or other means of income, childbirth may bring feelings of stress.  Maybe the pregnant young woman is going through the process without the support of her family or even the father of the baby.  In this case, she may find herself dealing with resentment at the idea of taking care of a child all alone.  In the most desperate and horrific of instances, young moms may make a decision that alters at least two lives forever.

I'm sure that almost everyone is familiar with the story of Casey Anthony, the Florida mom who is accused of killing her two-year-old daughter in the summer of 2008.  Many news stories have painted Ms. Anthony a teenager who was unprepared for motherhood and who spent her nights partying while her daughter was supposedly missing.  Although Casey Anthony maintains her innocence, prosecutors are now seeking the death penalty in this case that has made international news.

Another story, which broke yesterday, involves the arrest of a 23-year-old woman in connection with her missing eight-month-old son.  The mom, Elizabeth Johnson, recently broke up with her boyfriend and then let him know she had killed their child and left him in a dumpster.  Other evidence points to the fact that the baby boy may still be alive.  The police aren't getting answers either way, though, because Ms. Johnson is refusing to talk.

What drives mothers to act this way towards their children?  Do they regret losing their own youth to the responsibilities of being a mom?  Did the 24-hour job of being a single mom just get to be too much?  Are there other psychological problems that would have come out whether these women were moms or not?

In my new book, Kendra's Pearl, I share a mother and daughter relationship that is not as tragic and final in its results as the news stories above, but still deals with some complex emotional issues.  Why do mothers take out their life's regrets on their own children?  Why is the cycle of abuse so difficult to break?  For anyone who has realized that being a parent ... or a child, for that matter ... isn't all about bedtime stories and board games, I believe that you will be able to relate on some level to what you read in Kendra's Pearl. 

Tune into My Podcast Interview Today

My interview with Writers in the Sky Creative Writing Services has been posted and is ready for your listening pleasure!  I enjoyed this opportunity to discuss Kendra's Pearl and I hope you will learn more about why I wrote this book when you listen to the interview.

If you enjoy the conversation, please leave a comment on the Writers in the Sky website letting them know!

The interview also is featured on iTunes, if you prefer to listen to it that way.  Just look up Writers in the Sky at the iTunes store and you will find my interview listed.  Listening is free!

Thanks for all of your support as we enter a new year!

Please Plan to Tune into My Podcast Interview on New Year's Day

I hope that all of you are enjoying a wonderful time with family and friends during this holiday season.  As we reach the end of 2009, I know that many of you are focusing on your goals for the upcoming year.  For those who, like me, use a personal journal as a way of reflecting on the important moments in life, these last few days of December are a great opportunity to look both backward and forward.  In the upcoming weeks, I look forward to sharing with you some of my plans for 2010.

I can let you know that I will be starting the New Year by taking part in a podcast interview with Writers in the Sky Creative Writing Services.  I have been selected as their first featured author for 2010, and I look forward to discussing Kendra's Pearl with the listening audience.  I plan on sharing why I decided to tackle the emotional issues that are addressed in my book and what I hope my readers will take away from reading my book. 

Please check out the promotional spot that Writers in the Sky has featured on their blog for my upcoming interview.  If you have read my book and you want to help me get the word out about Kendra's Pearl to this listening audience, please leave a comment on their blog.  I appreciate your support!


This podcast interview is just one of many ways that I will be promoting Kendra's Pearl in the New Year.  I know that this book shares a story about the complicated mother/daughter relationship that will be familiar to so many people out there.  I want women to read my book and realize that they are not alone.  I want men to read my book and try to recognize some ways that they can offer support to the women in their lives.

I'm excited to discover all that 2010 will bring!

Does the "Ideal Christmas" Really Exist?

With Christmas coming later this week and the New Year shortly to follow, we are in the middle of what is advertised on television and in movies as the happiest time of the year.  We all see images of families gathering together around a delicious, homecooked meal, people traveling from across the country to be with loved ones, and children wearing new, flannel nightgowns anxiously listening for the sound of Santa's sleigh.

But, for many people, the holiday season is the most difficult time of the year.  What if your own family experience can't live up to the high expectations we set for these celebrations?  Maybe you grew up in a family in which you were lucky to have any food on the table, let alone a turkey dinner with all of the trimmings.  For some of you, this is the first Christmas following a divorce or the death of a loved one.  What about those children who are living in abusive homes and do not have parents who want to make the holiday special?

In my new book, Kendra's Pearl, the title character probably did not enjoy any picture-perfect holidays during her childhood.  She lived with a mother who directed her rage and resentment at her children.  The members of Kendra's extended family, while they certainly loved her, were usually dealing with their own addictions or personal struggles. 

For those of you who have read Kendra's Pearl, what do you imagine the holiday season was like for the Haywood family?  I would love to read your thoughts on what the characters would be doing on Christmas.

Also, have you had any experience struggling with that ideal of Christmas that we are supposed to meet?  I have shared in interviews that, while Kendra's Pearl is a work of fiction, I have pulled some details from my own life.  So, I understand how this season can be difficult.  Maybe your comments can be of help to someone else.

Kids Need Security and Structure

Even though children may sometimes act as if they are frustrated by rules, our kids really do need and want the security that comes from structure and consistent discipline.  Knowing the boundaries makes anyone feels safe, especially children who are just figuring out how the world works.  And, having a loving home where they can test those boundaries and learn from mistakes is a crucial part of growing up.

So, what happens when kids are not given a nurturing environment in which to develop?  They may turn to a group of friends who become a bad influence on their education and behavior.  Sometimes they look for role models in people who may not have their best intentions in mind.

There also are positive outlets that children may discover when searching for that needed structure in their lives.  For a lot of kids, team sports offer that sense of belonging and develop an important sense of discipline.  One of the biggest movies of the year, The Blind Side, provided one real-life example of sports changing the life of a young man with a troubled childhood.

In other instances, the military gives teenagers the life management tools that they never received at home.  When you are in the military, you are accountable for your location, your actions, and your appearance at all times.  There are many young men and women who arrive at basic training for whom this is the first time such standards have been required of them.

In my new release, Kendra's Pearl, the title character experiences a childhood that does not provide the love and protection she needs.  Instead, Kendra is raised by an emotionally abusive mother who takes out her rage and regret on her young daughter.  Will Kendra find a negative or positive way to cope with the way she is treated?  I hope you will check out my book and find out!

What Defines an Emotionally Abusive Mother?

In my new release Kendra's Pearl, I share the story of a young girl who is raised by an emotionally abusive mother.  She becomes the recipient of her mom's anger, guilt, depression, and loneliness.  The unhealthy relationship starts when Kendra's dad is killed in a motorcycle accident, and the dangerous behavior by her mom just increases from there.

While both parents are capable of any type of abuse, from verbal to physical to sexual, statistics show that mothers are much more likely than fathers to commit emotional abuse against their children.

That National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect defines emotional abuse as "acts or omissions by the parents or other caregivers that have caused, or could cause, serious behavioral, cognitive, emotional, or mental disorders." 

Some specific characteristics of an emotionally abusive mother include:

• making the child feel responsible for her feelings
• threatening the child with rejection of abandonment
• criticizing 
• giving the silent treatment

All of these behaviors are immature displays of emotion and often make the child feel as if she is actually the adult in the home.  The need for a child to feel safe and protected disappears.

Through Kendra's Pearl, I hope to help start some conversations about what is occurring between our mothers and daughters in homes across the country.  If children feel more comfortable talking about any problems they are experiencing with their families, maybe they can get some support.  And, if young girls can know that living with an emotionally abuse mother is not normal and not acceptable, maybe they can vow that that kind of treatment will not be carried to the next generation.

I hope you will read Kendra's Pearl and then let me know what you think about the mother/daughter relationship that I describe.  Unfortunately, for many people, the scenario will be all too real.